too much honesty.....can create complications, silence is golden!

Life was great as such....the best of schooling was a foregone conclusion for the army kids. Convents took us in willingly. The army had great respect, besides my dad was amazing in dealing with the school authorities and always would go out of the way for our future and happiness. However, a sense of inferiority started creeping in....in Sahajanpur in particular.The root was comments by my mother about my inadequacies and comments about the capabilities of my brother and sister. This is a sensitive period in the life of a growing child and probably was training ground for me. I certainly attempted to avoid that while nurturing my children. Being a mother is demanding and needs a lot of wisdom. Anyway....that also passed into the deeper recesses of the mind and life moved on. The mind has a habit of storing, irrespective of its usefulness or destructive nature. But I was always foolish, took things at face value and surprisingly continue to do so even today! In Dehradun, under a misconception about a senior friend....a guy chasing her each time we commuted in the school bus and her expressing disgust (while actually she was thrilled) made me stand up for her and speak up like an idiot to the guy.....boy! Did I get the wrath of the admirer....they painted the entire Clement Town walls with bitchy stuff about me! I was horrified and holed up in my house! My masi was in town....mom and masi went around the colony and got the orderly to cover it all with paint! That, I now realize was a trailer or sample of much worse and the most horrific character assassination which wrongly stuck on for ages and had an on-going impact in my life and its decisions! They say, situations occur due to Destiny and charter a path.........something breaks to make something......even if it was my heart! It broke many years later, but for now my mom handled things in her pragmatic way and life was back to normal!    

my delightful childhood...

My dad's career took us places. The memory is so mixed up, in fact I am not a great one for dates....I feel life should be a smooth flow of experience....dates make one tarry, milestones are irrelevant in the journey of the Being. It is a series of experiences formulating your thoughts and reactions, discovering where you are at the moment. I was one not to keep in touch with friends I left behind on each posting.The constant was the army environment, the sense of security totally oblivious to the big bad world outside the gated colonies. At times we lived in tents, at times in barracks or else in sprawling British Heritage homes....they left behind when they had to bow down to the efforts of our great leaders to give us Azad Hind! But each home seemed
equally comfortable. Probably there would have been politics and issues among the adults, for us it always was great fun! Canteen visits, movies in the makeshift army theater, picnics with perfect locations and arrangements was there for the asking. Brands, fancy toys, clothes from expensive stores...we were clueless,
Our life was joy of the outdoors, commuting in the army truck to and from school, great food served in proper British Style and playing in the outdoors, gardens, climbing trees! Life was so satisfying and I thank God for that wonderful childhood....not a care, not a thought, no guile whatsoever. Today, after all my training and research I realize that the age from inception in the womb to 6 yrs. of age is the crucial period. I sure got a strong base during that period. Hence, I keep shouting from the roof tops 'For Christ's Sake, please give your children the simple joys of life....set aside the brands....but sadly enough my voice falls on deaf years in the midst of all the fancy trimmings. My mother was not overtly loving but surely instilled essential qualities in us. Well, she was busy and most often I had a nanny but she did her bit and was a lady of  integrity.

The first decade begins....

I do believe the Punjabi Genes were embedded in me as much for being born in Punjab as also due to my parentage, but Dad was more Muslim in his approach to life....in the sense, bereft of love from his parents, a Muslim Lady whom he called Appa gave him nurturing and love. He, in fact has a greater place in memory zone. My mother was not really an important part of my early memories. No matter how hard I try very little emerges connected with my mother even in the early years of my being....amazing! My father, his touch,his pampering and playfulness comes as gentle comfort even today. My first school, Ackuland House in Simla is only a name but I do remember the beautiful sprawling house we lived in,the Ice Skating Rink where my parents used to skate, as much ice cream as we wanted in my dad's friend's restaurant, the beauty of Simla remain etched in my childhood memory. A great childhood and definitely  a strong base for my development.
I generally sleep  straight with my fists closed.....this speaks of, they say a sense of fearlessness. The base is surely my secure childhood. More tomorrow.........Nisha Swasti!

Karma...Life

Why these gaps in getting to my blog.........sometimes its difficult to face some truths! Life is such a crisscross, often one does not know why certain incidents occur, why relationships seem so great and then deteriorate. Is this a mystery of Karma or our decisions?
I am going to go ahead and review my life spanning the 6 decades I have resided in this body nearly 60 years. So much has transpired...............growth at a cost! Nothing comes for free anyway! Yet on the journey.........where it leads is to be seen......but after so many lessons surely I will pass. Its really easy if you skim the surface of Life, find the convenient path, allow the gentle lapping of water to caress your feet and find comfort in the gentle breeze....but if you delve to the deeper recesses of the Sea of Life, take on the Winds that lash out, you very well have to be prepared for the onslaught! How? Having taken on life as a challenge I found delving within- the only solace, not much else was available. But then magic came my way in the guise of individuals inspired by God. Each time at the right time! More later.

Finally, back to my memories!

Sometimes evasion comes more easily, delving into the past is most often tough because it brings in front of your eyes the wrong decisions you made. Hence, sub-consciously I have been staying away from this mirror!
I go down memory lane today to the days I had with my two grandmothers, Biji and Amiji. Both were two contrary personalities and impacted my childhood more than my parents did!
Amiji was my father's mother........a strong personality who had a solid following in Jammu as a pracharak of the Arya Samaj yet contrary to the same used a psychic energy to energize water which cured people of their various ailments. She was a bundle of contradictions on various fronts. I remember her teaching me techniques to remain youthful.........I was rather small and its all blanked out in my mind, but as I write some of those visions come back to my mind. When she died, the entire town was shut and she was given a great send-off.However, no matter how great a ceremony the body of a Soul gets, the on-going journey is based on one factor.......how much empathy and gentleness or justice has been applied in dealing with people closely connected with you while alive!
Biji, on the other hand, also widowed young was less powerful as a woman but dealt with life very courageously and brought up her four children with economic issues and social issues to deal with. She lived for her children and the Arya Samaj. However, she was a woman with a humble and simple demeanor, I saw her give away her house. to the kids, live in an ashram in Jwalapur. Her belief that the children would support her was ill-founded. It is difficult to even write about the horror and disappointment she faced in her life, particularly the last few years of her bodily existence....suffice to say it was a lesson which remains alive in my mind. I went to visit her in Amritsar while she was ill and hence back from the ashram. She was compromised by her children, there was sorrow in her eyes and her Soul bled. Both my grandmothers get a place in my chant every single day ever since I took to the Chant of Nam Myo Ho Renge Kyo seriously.
Where these Souls are today....I don't know......but the impact their time with me made, remains eternally in my Being. Biji played a role in introducing me to the Vedic Culture......stories, knowledge et all   

30th  April 1982, the day I gave birth to my second child, a son who brought delight to his grandfather, father and his nana dada! Little do they know how I saved his abortion. The first time I conceived, my husband made me abort the child stating we could not afford the baby, while they were wealthy enough, I did not understand the implications but on aborting, faced acute depression and minimal after care....I felt I had committed a sin! This time around he fixed an appointment with the same doctor, I arrived earlier and requested the doctor to refuse. I was afraid to challenge my husband but the doc helped.....and the only heir apparent was born! It was a tough delivery, the umbilical cord wound around his neck, incubated and survived! The pregnancy was a very unhappy one and rather tough and lonely! And the nightmare of looking after both the tiny tots almost single handed......both these kids faced a tough existence but simultaneously were pampered. Mine was a tough existence to say the least! However, the joy of seeing the children develop and grow was a pleasure. The best moment in a woman's existence is when the child is born...the spanda, the cry and the little being that you nestle in your arms.....it is a fulfilling emotion! As a result of turmoil, melodrama...these two little beings had to move to Chennai with me (more about the turmoil later) and live with their cousins.....who left no stone upturned to make them realize that they were the lesser beings. Admission in a new school also resulted in a double promotion for them....saved a year of schooling. It also meant real hard work on their academics....they were wonderful and co-operative! Also, through the meanest measures by my sister-in-law they both stood by me. After I had my first spiritual awakening, I remember them both with their heads on my lap....while I prayed and chanted and immersed themselves in the vibes thus created! While I know he is not much inclined towards rituals, spiritual seeds are sown deep in his psyche and will fructify when the right time comes. Right and wrong, just and unjust holds little meaning  for a child....the emotion counts! So is the case with my son. I have always told him, be a true Kshatriya! He has the possibility and the potential.....probably needs to be a little street smart....and the world awaits him. Childhood, teenage, university life, initial career, girlfriends......has been tough to say the least! But he has stood the test of time! I regret for my sake and his, that we have had very little time together! Its been lonely for me, I do not know how the abhav has affected him....or other delights have made up for it (I hope so)....but that is life! I pray for a balanced life for him....with the kind of warmth he deserves to bask in! As for me.....the journey alone is inevitable...and I cannot afford to let those samskaras get imbedded in me.... I can just wish total joy to this good soul God made me instrumental in creating.....and continue alone but not lonely.....be there for him without breathing down his neck or asking for my pound of flesh or declaring that he owes me this that and the other....let him flourish and proceed on his journey unfettered by me!

clarity.....!

Life is all about Dharma, Artha, Kama and Moksha! Blessed am I to get Khadgamala which charters a pathway to all 4 aspects....I am not clueless, the path is assigned, the central issue is the mind used appropriately with vigilance......not to add on tasks but fulfill the important ones while preparing for flight! The most important are the three Souls I have been instrumental in bringing into this planet.......and a genuine effort at Karma Yoga.....not running hither thither, not trying to use the multi-faceted skills I have been given  every which way! Limit the ripples and not add more is to be my Mantra! And the inner search also needs to be such that the minimal ripples disturb the Stillness I need. They say half the battle is won when one realizes the folly! Srijan qualifies for my time provided it is done with nishkama bhava......all else needs to be dumped! And of course giving nurturing to the three sweet Souls who are on the threshold and need to take flight in their own paths....that is my realization before I end this day! Redefining Life and the Adda of Living, creating Order, Systems in Sadhana, Reconstructing, Restructuring rather than holding my head in dismay.... is the right step forward......! 

But surely, Satyarupa will be reborn!

Warning bells?

I had a 'more than real life' dream early this morning. Well, I hardly slept, hence most of the time went dreaming about this Chinese Invasion into our country! No network! No contact could be established,a series of events unfolding, creating a black horror! I have visuals of a row of rooms with doors on either side                 but on one side the latches removed and soldiers in the adjoining area able to enter at will! No privacy, no right to do anything.....in other words Will jammed! And amid all this I kept cursing myself for not working evenhandedly towards Moksha! I woke up in cold sweat and thanked my starts for the country I am born in, the opportunities I have had. The Vedic System advocates that the place, family, and amenities one is born with are based on previous sanchit karma and prarabdh, but what we strive for based on Viveka, exposure and sankalpa charters our path now and thereafter!  But, I surely have to take this seriously! !! The sequence in the serial Devon ke Dev is thus positioned to make me feel the urgency of my task......eons lost, energies dissipated, found and lost the Glory! A one-pointed task to be taken on diligently.....not because I have a guide reprimanding me, but because it is now or never! The next two days need to give some answers.....! The glimpse of Glory that came Satyarupa's way....did she let go of it, or did Karma need to be followed thru'?
And what of future plans?
Every Realized Soul I had the good fortune to meet and gain insight from.....reprimanded me for dissipating energies, urged me to let go, warned me that it is now or never! At the biological age of 59, wake up, Satyarupa.......this Soul can yet do it.....the 8-Fold Path and the Inner Guru, Dakshinamurti........a strong sankalpa not to compromise, not to lose a single breath, not to let this body disintegrate without moving ahead towards emancipation.....but with surrender and bhakti.....no ego-effort, sahaj, effortless...like the floating in space I once experienced!
How many more births, emotional links, duties and desires are you going to weigh yourself down with?????
Take flight now! 

Opportunity to energize!

While I planned to write about my parents, grandparents and in-laws in my next blog......the moment demands otherwise. We are in the midst of Navratri.....a time to worship the Kinetic Energy which keeps the World going Intelligently and with Unsurpassed Power. My foray into Navratri started off as an awareness of sights and sounds around me. I had no idea, like a child unwittingly I got immersed in these 9 days of excitement and joy. As I recall, my first real experience was in Ganeshpuri, the ashram of Swami Muktananda (located near Mumbai) It was at atmosphere of romance with the Gods, beautiful flowers and visuals in which sadhakas from the world-over were involved. We spent the entire night decorating the beautiful ashram with flowers. My elder two kids were tiny but totally enthused by the environs. My elder daughter was chosen as one of the kanyas to be worshipped....she looked beautiful in the red silk she was gifted.....those were divine moments! Factually, as I understand it, each of these 9 days  one ought to, in a state of pratyahara withdraw from all worldly issues and  attempt to enhance/fortify/awaken latent energies prevalent in the psychic points in the Karan Sharira! That is the  purpose.....not just dancing, singing, performing the Garba Dance or dissipating energies! It is a time to apply the yogic science for emancipation! Since that moment years ago, it has been a time of discovery of potential within, amazingly I have a new experience each time......an on-going journey.

My tribute to my elders in my next blog....and the role, negative or positive they played in my present day ME! 

A Birth with the path being chartered from previous attachments.....

2nd April 2013 is the 31st year of existence of a Soul that searched for a being that mattered beyond the gross body. If you recall, I have spoken about my childhood and the desire to spend time with myself...and supremely content in doing so. Years ago I was in the backyard of our home in Sahajanpur one late afternoon....the back yard was connected to a beautiful forest in the Army Cantonment. I felt a beckoning, and insistence that I reach out.....a strange feeling rose up in me...and I scampered back into the house! Well, I wasn't afraid of the wilderness.....Sahajanpur was a place where we played in the mangroves, sat on the trees and ate delicious mangoes and had fun in the open lands of the cantonment....but this was different...an unknown entity drawing me with its invisible Energy. The incidence faded away in my memory. However, when I was in the deeper states of sadhana in the late 80s a recall of past lives manifested (this happens when one sojourns in Swadhistan Chakra), This Soul's attachment to me manifested due to a previous birth when It was my mother who, out of desperation and an unhappy marriage committed suicide.....but searched me out due to deep attachment to me, reached out to me as a subtle spirit and finally manifested in my womb. I was happy to experience the little being within my womb totally unaware of this background. I did everything I could to give love to this being, ate the right food, nurtured the little one in my womb. Life was lonely, my husband was busy in his own world, an alien environment with people I did not understand.....but this child and its development gave me reason to live! I would listen to the chants from the Bhagvat Gita as a daily ritual.......I believe it has impacted  the personality and samskaras. She is an individual who wishes to live life out of the box, has the courage to do so and deserve all the blessings. I have always called her my baby with the golden heart.....let her journey be safe and happy! She must understand that life is bittersweet....and every exxperience leads to emancipation. Faith in the Ishta and Self is paramount in this journey of life!

recall....reaffirmation

So much of life has gone by, loads of time wasted.......today I was going thru my books of Philosophy, some flipped thru some read several times over.......learnt a lot, absorbed a lot....but I let it all be set aside, went to great heights in my spiritual journey, and it seems a lot needs to be explored further, a lot reaffirmed...and time seems short. I have to get on with it! Probably writing is bringing it all back. Life has been a tough journey, relationships overtaken what was blossoming. A true seeker is made either due to past life samskaras or vairagya due to experiences in this world. I believe I am effected by both. And till I breathe I need to en cash on both. One Realized Being some years ago said to the individual accompanying me....this lady needs to learn to smile....her smile belies the melancholy within!So very true! He always wrote on his letter pad with a green sketch pen......his letters are pasted in my room to remind me of what could have been and has not yet happened! Hope I can achieve it, while keeping a balance! Just some random thoughts!
Tomorrow I want to delve into some of my favorite childhood memories to reaffirm, to believe in that unconditional love that each person craves for.....not love for a purpose, not love because one looks beautiful or is efficient or stands out in a social circle......just because you are important for that soul in you!

my brother.....and me,as I see it

Today my brother is 62! Our parents were rather organized with an exact gap of 3 years between the 3 of us! I had a great equation with my brother, we had fun together. I remember my dad giving each of us a rabbit in Coonoor with a pink ribbon on mine and a blue one on his , and lo behold! we had loads of them in a huge cage in the backyard. It was great fun seeing that family grow! I remember having great fun with our huge group of friends in Mathura. While throwing stones onto a tree, he got badly hurt and had to be rushed to hospital by our mom! He was expelled from his school in Mussoori for jumping the hostel wall....to go watch a movie! Totally  pampered as the only son! He won LOADS of medals on passing out from school in Coonoor finally! In order to escape studying, he decided to join NDA, but landed up studying loads to become a civil engineer and thereafter do his masters in HR! Bad marriage and a tough life apart, he  remains a gentleman always helpful to people around......but his distance with his sisters is strange and caused a redefining of relationships over the years. We fell apart when issues regarding my marriage came up. His affinity for my husband proved stronger than the 'blood is thicker' concept! We were totally apart when our sweet dad died. He did say,  'I am there for you' but the reality was otherwise for a long time to come! The thaw somewhat occurred but by then Satyarupa was born.....and another world took me over. But, we do, thankfully look out for each other, with our parents gone to another mysterious world and remembered for their goodness....that is another story! Nevertheless, he deserves happiness and value for all he does. He has a heart and soul that does all the rituals for his parents with total dedication, redemption for his often irritable behavior when they were around......but then one does not know the mystery behind each action of individuals.....cross factors impact our path and reason.....and the Big B, the Chitragupt within that makes a balance sheet and  keeps a tally! I wish him great health and peace of mind.....and his sense of honor remain intact like a true Kshatriya and army officer which he had won accolades for in his career!

Days of innocence

It is strange but definitely not a coincidence that ever since I started this blog, memories of my childhood are getting revived. We visited a period hotel in Mussoori which reminded me of the kind of homes we would reside in as children. The set-up and atmosphere was so similar to the typical Victorian settings, gardens and sprawling lawns. My parents, bless  their Souls, gave us a delightful and luxurious environment and loads of happiness . Nevertheless, I spent a lot of time with myself, often felt inadequate as compared to my   siblings! I would even make the plants in the garden my friends/students/servants and deal with them accordingly. My dad organized grand parties, fine food, service, dancing would ensue and it all looked like a fairy land all lit up and pretty! I remember being served breakfast in the lawns of our house in Srinagar, Kashmir. We lived in a  beautiful house on Gupkar Road next to the Governor's House. I would play in our orchard with pretty cherry trees, I recall the sight of the flowers so enthralling and sweet. It was in this house that I discovered my first experience of admiration from the opposite sex and attraction towards the officers that visited my dad! Well, I was innocent and naive.......did not have a clue about these reactions and let them pass me by. Loreto Convent, Shillong was great and pretty, where again I was rather introverted and shy and very, very studious......oblivious to much else. The Senior Cambridge group was a close knit one. We had all the experiences that life in a hostel comprises of......at times fun, at times hurtful and tedious. We concluded the final session with a jungle safari in the deeper forests near Gawahati! I had some strange experiences.....which is prevalent in boarding schools....being approached by a girl for sexual satisfaction! These are some of the maladies of poor interaction with the opposite sex in the cloistered convents! Parents need to give a balanced approach and exposure to their children. Thankfully I did not get impacted because of the Army Exposure.Boys and girls interact freely and in a healthy atmosphere......but it was certainly confusing! The other awful experience which left an indelible mark on my mind was being approached by an officer who was my guardian whenever I got leave from the hostel. More about that in my next blog......but believe me, I had no clue about my looks or femininity......these were the last things on my mind! 

another year begins!

21st March 2013.......it was a delightful day and proceeded on to being a very interactive and meaningful evening with three individuals of diverse age groups. This yet again bespoke of Learning and Absorbing. A great beginning to my 59th year on this planet encompassed in this body of Suman! I express my gratefulness to the Entity which resides within me! Suman stays on while Satyarupa dominates more often. When and how the process will be complete Devi knows, this Soul does not! Memories of Suman's transformation into Satyarupa come and go at random. Let us see how the process of going back unfolds! In retrospect, it seems like I am drawing images of another on the screen of my mind......but am not yet ready to put it all down in text......nevertheless, I do believe the lava is setting and the images will settle down into a sequence of logical events. But for the moment let me luxuriate in all the love that was bestowed on me this day....especially from the innocent Srijan Kids, God bless their Souls! My sankalpa exists as a desire to gain Equanimity, but the turmoils within often derail that process!

delight in the moment

life seemed to have come to a standstill for some time and I have been letting life pass me by. I seemed to have withdrawn from all activity and was wondering what my life was all about! But then, with a little help from the ones close to me, I could rise above that wave....and today as I enter the 59th year of this birth there is a re-emergence of vitality and desire to use every breath to move ahead and take on a different dimension of life! Ruhi today created delight in my life, its strange how the same individual becomes a part of ur soul and nourishes you and at another point be quite distant and alien to ur inner self.....a lot rests in one's own attitude. Love begets Love.....and I hope vibes of love emanate from my being and envelop those around me, yet giving them the freedom to grow in their individual  journeys without getting stifled by my presence. Tomorrow I look forward to recreating the birth of Satyarupa........

My Kavacham

I am indeed grateful that my medical tests were really great considering my messed-up life, struggle, strife and some indiscipline...the medical insurance agent was as surprised and delighted as I was! My gratefulness goes out to my very first Guru and His Yoga Institute, the Bihar School of Yoga! The Yogic Science has fortified me through it all....and it was given to us so effectively....actually became the best Kavcham ever!  

Moving on....

I realize that life is a series of crossroads....the path you choose is all that matters, could be right or wrong but a definite direction is better than being undecided or standing still hoping for someone to lead you a particular way. Most certainly Destiny and the Preordained has an impact, but the choice prevails. Your birth is definitely Karmic! However, in my life often I have messed-up situations due to impulsive decisions, the end result has been great......because of the learning it has impacted and the churning in the mind thereof.........tough and mysterious.....it is an insult to be breathing and living  to just let Life pass you by or be afraid. Fearlessness and Faith in the unknown Entity by default brings about emancipation. Well, I believe it has done so for me.

A new journey.......

This is a new beginning into a world and a medium I know little about....but sharing is important, sharing is growth. One gets a deeper sense of Life and its Journey! I know this medium will enhance my growth, because I am bound to delve into my past and find thoughts, feelings, lessons emerge and probably initiate an understanding and awakening to lead me on to the light at the end of the tunnel......the light is there I am sure.