Looking for the Constant.......

It takes very little to convert the beautiful green mountain into a raging volcano........the lava builds up, Nature works very quietly and when it reaches the point of eruption, the spewing takes everyone by surprise.....and suddenly the lava gushes forth, leaving little room for respite! The transformation is there for us to behold! This seems to be my state now.
How did this massive shift take place within......unknown to the perils, I unwittingly tied the knot with a man so different from me, backgrounds eons apart, the suffering is on both ends, both feel betrayed, hurt and disappointed....it is wrong to point fingers. But, for Heaven's sake facing the facts and salvaging Life is paramount. Personally, I feel the journey and mingling of two Souls is based on karma and deep rooted connections of previous births.....who hurts and who gets hurt, who pays for deeds thus committed is a mystery. One has to accept gracefully and leave Justice to the Machinery which operates this complex Universe. I strongly believe the disappointment and hurt I have experienced has played a big role in emancipating me! If I had all the luxuries, indulgence, wealth and what have you....could I have taken several quantum leaps and fine tuned my perspective?  Most unlikely! In the early 90s a Tarot card reader of high repute told me that a "make and break" process was on! The accuracy of that prediction surprises me......Life has come a complete circle!

Not meant for Earthly love?

It was no accident that I was born where I was or grew to be a woman with aspirations of love and cherishing, it's a done thing......reading Mills and Boon love stories, watching movies that depict Love as the be all and end all of life one tends to aspire for the same! And so did I ! My letters to my chosen one spoke of a great life together, believed so utterly in each word, credulous to the core....letters I wrote sitting next to the blue seas of Mauritius, near the Spinx in Cairo or in the enthralling beauty of Beirut.......the dreams never stopped, cutting short a career as an air stewardess (a job I adored and enjoyed thoroughly). The foregone conclusion was that my choice was great....Linda Goodman's sun signs verified the combo.......well, a different story was waiting on the sidelines! It just did not work out and on-going effort bore little fruit.......why does one not face things head-on and make choices which make life easier......dogmas, a will not to rock the boat come what may, social systems and one's inner fears take precedence over all else and a lifetime turns to dust.....no blame game, just that it was not meant to be! It all looked perfect till the edifice began crumbling! We make desperate attempts to salvage, douce that raging fire.......burn ourselves in the bargain! I look around me and see marriages, partners thrive despite...and here was a couple that seemed great....all the photos of holidays together, partying, hosting, entertaining, having delightful kids, branded clothes bespeak of a great life! But what is underneath is known to none other than the heart that bleeds! This disillusionment was the beginning of a new Me! My journey began maybe eons ago, possibly in another planet but crystallisation took place in this body. Crystallisation of a new perspective....like the lava that flows out of a seething volcano and slowly sets into new shapes and dimensions!

Get the best from my past.......discard the worst......BUT remember the lessons!

Two parallel experiences...that is my life..Suman and Satyarupa....mirror images but depicting two different spheres of existence, whatever made me Suman also gave me the opportunity to be Satyarupa.......amazing! Chumu (my dad endearingly called me by that pet name) became Suman, a girl God endowed with beauty, parents that gave me great habits and possibilities to live Life, maybe not the financial means but much else. Jo mehlon mein nahi milta par keematihota hai, jeene ka gyan mila,
Kay mila, Kay Kho dala....! At least I have been able to steer away from the zone of despair.....want to be able to look at it from a distance, like a bad dream which did not last enough to strangulate me......got a lease of Life which needs to be lived with Grace hereafter.........hoga agar hone doon gi! Shall give it a shot.....life is too precious! I have miles to go and deeds to do and leave footprints in Eternity and surely my Higher Self will make that possible!

Unsaid words....unexpressed emotions

When there is an intermingling of emotions........coloured by events, past and present it is difficult to formulate them........just the feelings within feelings often tend to leave hazy images.....can emotions which pull at your heart find words? I don't think so! As I step into my 60th years, the resolve is to let all memories, all the people I have known fade away.....why even talk of my story....it is irrelevant....what is relevant is the change enveloping me...and an inner voice telling me to move in a directionless path....as long as it leaves people behind!
Relationships demand time, attention, effort.....one seems bound to act to sustain the identity of that connection.....but today I feel sapped of Energy....my Time since the 21st of March 2014 has been one of utter disbelief. It is so easy for judgements to be passed by words uttered by you, by acts done with  the best of intentions castigated by your very own.....maybe a path is being opened up for me to merge with the unknown. Some may call this escapism, some may understand. I have lived with a belief for 37 years that surely I will see a crystallising of comfort and safety, keeping my discontent with the unfolding of events in the dark corridors of Time and trudging along BECAUSE  I felt that was the only right thing to do....my path was set on that fatal day and has to be followed thru! But something within has collapsed, can't handle this utter disappointment.....have to be my own person, create a castle and live in it! Defeatist.....so be it! Things are hazy right now....