my brother.....and me,as I see it

Today my brother is 62! Our parents were rather organized with an exact gap of 3 years between the 3 of us! I had a great equation with my brother, we had fun together. I remember my dad giving each of us a rabbit in Coonoor with a pink ribbon on mine and a blue one on his , and lo behold! we had loads of them in a huge cage in the backyard. It was great fun seeing that family grow! I remember having great fun with our huge group of friends in Mathura. While throwing stones onto a tree, he got badly hurt and had to be rushed to hospital by our mom! He was expelled from his school in Mussoori for jumping the hostel wall....to go watch a movie! Totally  pampered as the only son! He won LOADS of medals on passing out from school in Coonoor finally! In order to escape studying, he decided to join NDA, but landed up studying loads to become a civil engineer and thereafter do his masters in HR! Bad marriage and a tough life apart, he  remains a gentleman always helpful to people around......but his distance with his sisters is strange and caused a redefining of relationships over the years. We fell apart when issues regarding my marriage came up. His affinity for my husband proved stronger than the 'blood is thicker' concept! We were totally apart when our sweet dad died. He did say,  'I am there for you' but the reality was otherwise for a long time to come! The thaw somewhat occurred but by then Satyarupa was born.....and another world took me over. But, we do, thankfully look out for each other, with our parents gone to another mysterious world and remembered for their goodness....that is another story! Nevertheless, he deserves happiness and value for all he does. He has a heart and soul that does all the rituals for his parents with total dedication, redemption for his often irritable behavior when they were around......but then one does not know the mystery behind each action of individuals.....cross factors impact our path and reason.....and the Big B, the Chitragupt within that makes a balance sheet and  keeps a tally! I wish him great health and peace of mind.....and his sense of honor remain intact like a true Kshatriya and army officer which he had won accolades for in his career!

Days of innocence

It is strange but definitely not a coincidence that ever since I started this blog, memories of my childhood are getting revived. We visited a period hotel in Mussoori which reminded me of the kind of homes we would reside in as children. The set-up and atmosphere was so similar to the typical Victorian settings, gardens and sprawling lawns. My parents, bless  their Souls, gave us a delightful and luxurious environment and loads of happiness . Nevertheless, I spent a lot of time with myself, often felt inadequate as compared to my   siblings! I would even make the plants in the garden my friends/students/servants and deal with them accordingly. My dad organized grand parties, fine food, service, dancing would ensue and it all looked like a fairy land all lit up and pretty! I remember being served breakfast in the lawns of our house in Srinagar, Kashmir. We lived in a  beautiful house on Gupkar Road next to the Governor's House. I would play in our orchard with pretty cherry trees, I recall the sight of the flowers so enthralling and sweet. It was in this house that I discovered my first experience of admiration from the opposite sex and attraction towards the officers that visited my dad! Well, I was innocent and naive.......did not have a clue about these reactions and let them pass me by. Loreto Convent, Shillong was great and pretty, where again I was rather introverted and shy and very, very studious......oblivious to much else. The Senior Cambridge group was a close knit one. We had all the experiences that life in a hostel comprises of......at times fun, at times hurtful and tedious. We concluded the final session with a jungle safari in the deeper forests near Gawahati! I had some strange experiences.....which is prevalent in boarding schools....being approached by a girl for sexual satisfaction! These are some of the maladies of poor interaction with the opposite sex in the cloistered convents! Parents need to give a balanced approach and exposure to their children. Thankfully I did not get impacted because of the Army Exposure.Boys and girls interact freely and in a healthy atmosphere......but it was certainly confusing! The other awful experience which left an indelible mark on my mind was being approached by an officer who was my guardian whenever I got leave from the hostel. More about that in my next blog......but believe me, I had no clue about my looks or femininity......these were the last things on my mind! 

another year begins!

21st March 2013.......it was a delightful day and proceeded on to being a very interactive and meaningful evening with three individuals of diverse age groups. This yet again bespoke of Learning and Absorbing. A great beginning to my 59th year on this planet encompassed in this body of Suman! I express my gratefulness to the Entity which resides within me! Suman stays on while Satyarupa dominates more often. When and how the process will be complete Devi knows, this Soul does not! Memories of Suman's transformation into Satyarupa come and go at random. Let us see how the process of going back unfolds! In retrospect, it seems like I am drawing images of another on the screen of my mind......but am not yet ready to put it all down in text......nevertheless, I do believe the lava is setting and the images will settle down into a sequence of logical events. But for the moment let me luxuriate in all the love that was bestowed on me this day....especially from the innocent Srijan Kids, God bless their Souls! My sankalpa exists as a desire to gain Equanimity, but the turmoils within often derail that process!

delight in the moment

life seemed to have come to a standstill for some time and I have been letting life pass me by. I seemed to have withdrawn from all activity and was wondering what my life was all about! But then, with a little help from the ones close to me, I could rise above that wave....and today as I enter the 59th year of this birth there is a re-emergence of vitality and desire to use every breath to move ahead and take on a different dimension of life! Ruhi today created delight in my life, its strange how the same individual becomes a part of ur soul and nourishes you and at another point be quite distant and alien to ur inner self.....a lot rests in one's own attitude. Love begets Love.....and I hope vibes of love emanate from my being and envelop those around me, yet giving them the freedom to grow in their individual  journeys without getting stifled by my presence. Tomorrow I look forward to recreating the birth of Satyarupa........

My Kavacham

I am indeed grateful that my medical tests were really great considering my messed-up life, struggle, strife and some indiscipline...the medical insurance agent was as surprised and delighted as I was! My gratefulness goes out to my very first Guru and His Yoga Institute, the Bihar School of Yoga! The Yogic Science has fortified me through it all....and it was given to us so effectively....actually became the best Kavcham ever!  

Moving on....

I realize that life is a series of crossroads....the path you choose is all that matters, could be right or wrong but a definite direction is better than being undecided or standing still hoping for someone to lead you a particular way. Most certainly Destiny and the Preordained has an impact, but the choice prevails. Your birth is definitely Karmic! However, in my life often I have messed-up situations due to impulsive decisions, the end result has been great......because of the learning it has impacted and the churning in the mind thereof.........tough and mysterious.....it is an insult to be breathing and living  to just let Life pass you by or be afraid. Fearlessness and Faith in the unknown Entity by default brings about emancipation. Well, I believe it has done so for me.

A new journey.......

This is a new beginning into a world and a medium I know little about....but sharing is important, sharing is growth. One gets a deeper sense of Life and its Journey! I know this medium will enhance my growth, because I am bound to delve into my past and find thoughts, feelings, lessons emerge and probably initiate an understanding and awakening to lead me on to the light at the end of the tunnel......the light is there I am sure.