Great going....the puzzle gets less complicated!

The reasons get clear as time goes by..."why" becomes irrelevant!  Each pain has become a stepping stone! My disillusionment with life lead to a need to learn Yoga...the search lead to Monghyr situated in the most dangerous zone of Bihar...I went despite blockages....the stupendous course began, the environment was tough....the founder, Swami Satyananda never met me....all my free time was spent in chanting the Gayatri Mantra....that was the prime mantra obtained from my Aryasamagic background. One fine day Swami Satsanghi. ..(my colleague and batch mate from Airindia now turned sanayasi and secretary to Swamiji) introduced me to Him. He said I know her and can give you the background of her previous births too! I was surprised! That truly began my journey! During the Course in Teacher's Training in 1987 I took Mantra Diksha which culminated in another DIKSHA (karmasanyas) to be a sanyasin while in the ashram and I was named Satyarupa! The experiences started after that....exotic and mysterious! At times beyond all logic! I delved into Swamiji' books and material in the well-stocked library sponging in all the information with a passion I never knew I had in me! I was from an environment of social gatherings, familial duties and designer clothes which garb you in a make believe world of "all is well" and making things work despite.....this was all so new yet so familiar! I left the ashram after my first course and was told to worship Sharda Devi....I knew nothing about this aspect of Bhakti. ...or Bhakti Yoga. In Chennai I made a discovery about Sharda Devi as connected to Rama krishna Paramhansaji.....but was directed by a mysterious set of circumstances to Shirengri Sharda Devi....the Goddess of Learning....

The progress....

As I progressed with my Buddhist affirmations and negations with the associated breathing techniques and listened to the philosophy and lucid flow of words of my first formal spiritual guru, I started feeling a mysterious presence in my life. During my meditation sessions, I could really feel a warm Energy with me....and felt it was my imagination and let it pass.....but unbelievable but true was my v first experience of another world. We had gone to a farm close to Mumbai to visit my husband's relatives. While my core was melancholy, exterior a pretence of harmony....this was the usual story of my life really and strangely, I had accepted it as a way of life. I went for a walk early in the morning, the fields were calling out to me.....I sat in a field to meditate and within seconds experienced the most beautiful hue I had ever seen, a golden hue with splashes of orange! The experience filled me with tranquility but flashed by in what seemed seconds. I came out of the state and as I stood up, a snake passed me by! Was it protection by this Energy....to keep me safe from any harm? I was rather overwhelmed by this episode.
Towards the end of my Buddhist Course, I spoke to my guide about these on-going little experiences of another world.....what he said was beyond belief.....he said that this was just the beginning and a lot more was in store....and I must flow along!
Meanwhile, the turmoil was building up, my two little kids vulnerable and sweet and needed me around....I don't want to delve into the ensuing fears with regard to these two innocent beings I had borne...but, yes! The momentum was building up.....transformation is possible due to dramatic events....or else one lives skimming the surface of Life.....

Memoirs of Satyarupa: Get the best from my past.......discard the worst....

Memoirs of Satyarupa: Get the best from my past.......discard the worst....: Two parallel experiences...that is my life..Suman and Satyarupa....mirror images but depicting two different spheres of existence, whatever...

Revelations.......resolutions!

Another year gone by....and what a year. I am indeed thankful for lessons learnt, the ability to redefine and also the fact that not only do I want to revive but move ahead in my spiritual quest! And I have been blessed with the kind of Masters and Experiences only a few get! The magic began way back in the late eighties! My exposure to the Mentalphysics Techniques in Mumbai! As each breath was revealed and I progressed diligently thru the techniques......on the parallel the extreme sense of desolation in my personal life helped and how! The sorrow made me go all out to practice! The results began to unfold, and I felt the pleasure of experiences beyond the physical within a year!,life was in tatters, deceit and maligning were on a high, the blame and rejection at a peak......but believe me, it just added to my internal journey! Wow! What a gift that rejection was......and little did I know that it was working as a great Force which would pull be away, explode beyond the gravitational pull and give me the freedom to fly like Jonathan......a conceptualisation of Richard Bach which inadvertenly became my Mantra for life!
The battering, the blame, the rejection, the lack of respect that I experienced in most of my relationships mattered little!
The journey had begun...........

revival.....mental and physical!

Ek zindagi beet gai, Kuch mila kuch Kho diya......par ab Bhi hoon....value hai, sun....dekh......jaan rahi hoon......ek kadam Kar kar ke safar tai karna hai.....
A long period of holding back.....thoughts flow, passionate and intense, but there is a fear to actually view them as I type.
Discovery about the reason as to why people I have been associated with do not really value me or rather take me lightly......it's my inability to value myself!
As I step close to my 61st year in this birth.....I am no longer afraid to say, I want to live in my comfort zone, live in the peace created for me by Destiny!
No blame, no remorse, no seeking.......
Just value for the Life Force in me
And the potential I know I have......to convert that to a pulsating Energy that breaks the gravitational pull....I travelled in those spaces, had ethereal experiences but they were momentary
I want to touch that High.....for Eternity
Letting go is imperative
The baggage, the negativity, the self-doubt,
It is the reason I rise once again

Shukrana....gratitude!

Life is pretty much not worth too much if the essence of Gratitude does not permeate the moments of breathing and living! I feel intense gratitude to the One that oversees all! As the years pass by, this centuries old soul encased in this body of Satyarupa in this birth is 'finally touching base!
Thus far I have only blamed myself, felt inadequate, guilty et all! I was weighed down with the belief that all my efforts to adjust to an alien environ were not getting the right response from my husband and his clan! All efforts to be the ideal Bahu, wife, mother, hostess, cook and housekeeper rolled into one seemed to fall short! I stepped into a home believing that this was just what I wanted. Linda Goodman declared the sun sign my husband falls under to be the ideal man to give me happiness and peace! Letters I wrote from Cairo, Mauritius, Beirut and several destinations I travelled to always spoke of dreams of a lovely home........little did I know that the Man of my Dreams could not help being otherwise. And the impact of his arrogance, careless attitude, inability to appreciate filtered into the behaviour patterns of the entire clan! There was space for me only as a Being to be taken for granted! My tears were only mine! My self-confidence at it lowest for years on end! And the despair soon resulted in deteriorating beauty, lack of joy and pretending, trudging along......but this discovery that I have chanced upon in New Forest explains it all! I am married and been with a man enmeshed in NPD! I feel compassion as I delve further into this disorder but also realise that neither will he change nor am I the failure I have considered myself to be these long years since 1997! I today feel gratitude for this realisation, this release from a burden!